welcome to love, milk & honey.

This past week has definitely been one for the storybooks.  I have never been this sick in my life.  Real sick, people.  Call my mom in tears after my 4th doctor’s visit kind of sick.  Lost weight, lost heart, lost.  Sick.

In the traditional marriage vows, there is a line that states you choose to be a spouse for better or for worse.  I knew that I had recited those vows to James and took comfort in the fact that he had recited them to me, but I guess I never really pictured what “better or worse” might come to mean.  I can say now, that this is definitely one version of my worst.  It  has been a constant battle between what I can do versus what I want to do.  Not just physically… but emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  And, it’s a battle I now know I was not prepared to fight.

I got a phone call from a friend this morning asking me how I was doing — I gave the same answer I have been for the last few days. “Better, but still not at 100% yet.  Still nauseous and tired.”  Her response surprised me… instead of the usual, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I hope you get well soon.”  She said, “OK.  How is your heart?”  Tears.  Stinging, burning tears.  I couldn’t stop them, you see, because my heart is tired too.

Moment of truth: my marriage, my work and my blogging has suffered tremendously lately because I feel that just as my body is not at 100%, neither is my heart.

I have not spent time lately preparing my heart for the battle that is real life.  My time with God, my time of introspection and my time with friends and family has dwindled because I have kept myself busy with things.  These things are most definitely important, but when it comes to their value – comparatively speaking – I am giving them a higher priority than I ought.  I have replaced the calm, excited, bubbly personality I usually for one of fear, worry and doubt.  Sick.

I am tired of not feeling like myself.  Mad, even, that this illness has robbed James and I of what could have been, should have been a joyful week.  But, again, I was reminded that joy isn’t something that always comes organically out of human nature.  It makes me think back to the characteristics we recited in Sunday school…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.  Those are the fruit of the Spirit.  If you notice, they aren’t the fruit of labor or the fruit of a clean house or the fruit of money.  Nope, they are the fruit of the Spirit.  Meaning, in order to live in those characteristics, you must be living in and with the Spirit. Smack in the face? Yes.  Needed for me? Yes.

As soon as I had that realization this morning something broke.  I am definitely not physically feeling better, but emotionally I have made a step forward.  Celebrating a God who has continually proven Himself faithful is doing me a lot more good than trying to handle things on my own.

I don’t plan to dump my baggage on you guys all the time, but I started this blog wanting to be real and genuine with each of you in hopes that you would do the same with me.  I fall and fail often.  And I want you to know that.  But I also want the accountability of knowing that I am held to a higher standard by you – my friends, my colleagues, my family.

Thank you for your endless support — even in the “worst”

XOXO,

Lauren

photo credit: Gina Zeidler